


Those Extra Banters!

by Waenhir



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2018-11-08 12:11:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 74
Words: 15,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11081325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waenhir/pseuds/Waenhir
Summary: The extra banters of some of my favourite team members with my HC Quizzi. HC has Cass with Varric, Bull with Dorian, Josie with Blackwall and Quizzi always with Cullen.I write when things come to my head so it is not chronological.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> (Also Dagna is a wonder dwarf. She can turn toilet paper into gold given enough time. The memory crystals are in the process of being transformed into communicating devices. The Inquisitor and the Commander have the honour of testing the first pair. Of course Dagna did not tell the spymaster. She was hoping if the crystals works, the two will have some private time together when they are apart. Naturally, nothing can gets pass the spymaster but the crystals have been secretly approved.)

Varric: Is there a reason why you're standing in front of the door praying?  
Inquisitor: I wasn't praying.  
Varric: Could've fooled me.  
(Inquisitor still stands in front of the door)  
Varric: Well?  
Inquisitor: I want to go kiss Cullen goodnight.  
Varric: And?  
Inquisitor: I'll have to go through Solas to do that....  
Varric: So?  
Inquisitor: He looks at me funny when I go pass him to get to Cullen.  
Varric: Maybe Chuckles greatly disapproves of the shenanigans you and the Commander get into in that tower. I heard that that elf has powerful ears.  
Inquisitor (groans): Now I really don't want to go through him to get to Cullen.  
Varric: You do know there is another way up to Cullen's tower without running half way across the fort, right?  
Inquisitor (eyes light up): There is?  
Varric: Sometimes, I really wonder how you will save the world when you can't find your way around you own home.  
Inquisitor: Hey!


	2. Chapter 2

Cullen: Leliana knows.  
Inquisitor: Leliana knows a lots of things. What are you referring to  
Cullen: Us.  
Inquisitor: And?  
Cullen: She looked at me funny this morning.  
Inquisitor: So?  
Cullen: She said she could see your finger marks on my hair  
Inquisitor: And? Let me guess. You immediately touched your hair and mumbled something about it being no different?  
Cullen: How did you know?  
Inquisitor: Oh yeah. Leliana knows now.


	3. Chapter 3

Inquisitor: Varric told me to warn you to be careful.  
Cullen: What do you mean?  
Inquisitor: You are too smug lately.  
Cullen: I am not.  
Inquisitor: He said Leliana is going to shiv you.  
Cullen: She is not.  
Inquisitor: Want to bet?  
Cullen: No.


	4. Chapter 4

Cullen: Why would you recruit a bear?!  
Inquisitor: It likes you.  
Cullen: It thinks I am a cub!  
Inquisitor: Like I said. It likes you.


	5. Chapter 5

Inquisitor: Come to my quarters. Now.  
Cullen: I cant. Too many people outside.  
Inquisitor: I don't care. Now.  
Cullen: Is that an order, Inquisitor?  
Inquisitor: Cold bath alone or hot bath with me in it. Your choice.  
Cullen: Be there in two.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea why my phone kept changing Leliana to everything else but the right name. I am trying to correct it. :p

Cullen: Leliana knows  
Inquisitor: What?  
Cullen: Us.  
Inquisitor: Haven't we gone through this already?  
Cullen: She was smirking at me the whole meeting.  
Inquisitor: Didn't notice.  
Cullen: She was. Wonder how she knew.  
Inquisitor: I told you to fix that roof.  
Cullen: You don't think she....  
Inquisitor: What? Perched on the roof and watched us? Did you just turned red in the face? I always like that look.  
Cullen: No. Looking at my roof. You need to watch the roof closer next time.  
Inquisitor: Cullen, I am not going to watch the roof for Leliana every time we have sex in your bed!  
Cullen: Then we switch positions.  
Inquisitor: Just fix the bleeding roof!


	7. Chapter 7

Cullen: Sera stole the cookies you made me  
Inquisitor: Cant be her. She is not in Skyhold.  
Cullen: Well, someone stole my cookies.  
Inquisitor: Maybe you forgot eating them?  
Cullen: No. I am hungry. So no.  
Inquisitor: Cole stole your cookies.  
Cullen: What?!  
Inquisitor: It is here in my quarters with a note.  
Cullen: What note?  
Inquisitor: It says, "Cookies here."  
Cullen: What does that even mean?!  
Inquisitor: I think he is trying to tell you to take a break.  
Cullen: I can't take a break. There is so much to do!  
Inquisitor: Cookies here.  
Cullen: Stop teasing me, woman.  
Inquisitor: Come get your cookies.  
Cullen: You better be naked in bed with those cookies when I get there.


	8. Chapter 8

Inquisitor (shouting at the wardens): Didn't they teach you? NEVER trust a Tevinter! Except my Tevinter.... and Bull's Tevinter....Wait, actually both are Bull's Tevinters....  
Varric: Shit.... You have been spending too much time with Hawke.  
Hawke (from behind Varric): Andraste's tits. What did I do now?


	9. Chapter 9

Inquisitor: Cassandra is going to whip my ass and tie me up on a pole.  
Cullen: Why?  
Inquisitor: She told me to buy a book for her.  
Cullen: Did you not find it?  
Inquisitor: Found it.  
Cullen: Did you lose it, love?  
Inquisitor: No. Dorian read it  
Cullen: Dorian will read anything with words on them.  
Inquisitor: Bull read it.  
Cullen: Pretty sure the Seeker can toss him around by his horns if he makes fun of the book.  
Inquisitor: Varric read it.  
Cullen: Sigh.... Marker.... I promise I will get you down and apply balm on your behind when she is done.  
Inquisitor: Some boyfriend you are.


	10. Chapter 10

Inquisitor: So...you still awake?  
Cullen: Hmm...I am now....  
Inquisitor: I miss your nose.  
Cullen: I miss you too, love. More than you'll ever miss me. Wait, did you say you missed my nose?  
Inquisitor: Yes.  
Cullen: (Soft chuckles) I miss your nose too.  
Sara (from somewhere behind): Oh, will you two stop with the talking crystals and fucking sleep. I swear I'll stuff those up both your arses! Then I'm going to stuff one up Dagna's! Pish-anty cough-ass!  
Dorian (also from somewhere behind and sleepily): It's vishante kaffas, Sara. Vishante kaffas.... (Yawns)


	11. Chapter 11

Cullen: Did you take my book.  
Inquisitor: Yes.  
Cullen: I was reading that.  
Inquisitor: Not any more.  
Cullen: Maker's breath....  
Inquisitor: Go borrow one like everyone else.  
Cullen: I didn't want Varric to know I was reading it...  
Inquisitor: So instead you went stealing one every few nights with Dorian?  
Cullen: I....  
Inquisitor: I really don't want to hear the book keeper telling me he is missing copies of High in Hightown all the time. It took me forever to find all the copies you've hidden. Then you two went and hide them again!  
And don't try getting back at the poor man by putting unspeakable tomes in the wrong shelves.   
Cullen: Maker's breath. How did you.... it was Dorian, mostly....  
Inquisitor: And you helped. I know you two devolved back to being ten-year-olds after a couple of ales and some peanuts when I am not around. I know your naughty secrets, Commander.  
Cullen: I only did that once.... And I was reading that one....


	12. Chapter 12

Dorian: So, you are going to do that domestic thing later when we get back to Skyhold?  
Inquisitor: What domestic thing?  
Dorian: The thing you do with the frying pan.  
Inquisitor: Cooking? Yes. I am cooking dinner later.  
Dorian: You know we have cooks or did the hand of yours got to your head too?  
Inquisitor: Cullen sometimes forgets to eat and since today is not a long day I just want to make sure he does.  
Dorian: So domesticated  
Inquisitor: I am not domesticated.  
Dorian: Really? Should I offer you a seat with us later and see if I can drink Varric under the table?  
Inquisitor: I've already said I was making him his favourite tonight. Not backing out now.  
Dorian: I rest my case. Should I instead send over a box of newly plucked up potatoes later so you can squall in delight?  
Inquisitor: Shut up Dorian. I have a weapon and I'm not afraid to use it.  
Dorian: And apparently a frying pan too.


	13. Chapter 13

The Iron Bull: You smell of her. But you don't smell of sex.  
Cullen: It's none of your business, Bull.  
TIB: So you sleep with the boss every night now but not have sex with her every night? She having her bleeding days?  
Cullen: No. It's not every time a couple sleeps together that they have sex, Bull. Some nights it's just nice to have her fall asleep in my arms.  
TIB (walks away then turns back): You sure she just wants to SLEEP with you?  
Cullen: Sigh....  
TIB (walks away again): Now this is really new to me.  
Cullen (sighs loudly again before turning back to see some of his men watching him): What are you all doing standing around? GET BACK TO WORK! NOW!


	14. Chapter 14

Cullen: Josephine, you need to stop buying those Orlesian snacks.  
Josephine: What Orlesian snacks?  
Cullen: Those crispy stick things made from soy. The Inquisitor won't stop eating them. They are spoiling her dinner.  
Josephine: It was Dorian who bought them. And surly you know I can hardly stop the Inquisitor from ordering them herself.  
Cullen: Lose the next shipment discretely.  
Josephine: And you will tell Dorian, or rather, her when they do not arrive?  
Cullen: No....  
Josephine: Cullen, you are the Commander. Just use that on her. Give her a command and ration her. Trust me. She will 'eat' it up.  
Cullen: I can't...ration her. It's not fair.  
Josephine (snickers): I take it she doesn't ration your..."appetite" either.


	15. Chapter 15

Inquisitor: So, Harding has this great idea for our siege.  
Cullen: Really?  
Inquisitor: Let's use bogfishes poo!  
Cullen: That's just absurd.  
Inquisitor: I thought it's a great idea. Stink them all to death!  
Cullen: No.  
Inquisitor: Oh, come on, Commander Uptight.  
Cullen: No.  
Inquisitor: Whatever. How about Avvar warriors with dwarf archers? Harding thought that up too. Dawrves on Avvars' shoulders.  
Cullen: Marker.... You're lucky I love you so much.  
Inquisitor: Is that a yes?  
Cullen: Can we talk about it when you get back.  
Inquisitor: That won't be another week. I would have forgotten by then!  
Cullen: I know.


	16. Chapter 16

Inquisitor: So, I bought a nug.  
Cullen: Maker's breath. Why would .... Why would you buy a nug?  
Inquisitor: It was in a cage in a meat shop. It looked so sad. I couldn't leave it there.  
Cullen: What am I going to do with you, love?  
Inquisitor: I think it likes Dorian. It won't let him sleep. Keeps snuggling up to him and nibbling on his moustache. Dorian is furious now. I think when we get back, this nug needs some lessons in Orlesian etiquette.  
Cullen: Please stop bringing home stray animals, love. (Sighs)..... Alright, I'll inform Leliana tomorrow. She should have space for one more nug.  
Inquisitor: I love you.


	17. Chapter 17

Inquisitor: Take me out.  
Cullen (chuckles): You're out.  
Inquisitor: No, I mean take me out like you did the last time.  
Cullen: Like when I took you to the lake?  
Inquisitor: Hmm. I liked that.  
Cullen: Ok. Where would you like to go?  
Inquisitor: Surprise me.  
Cullen: I'll think of something.  
.  
.  
.  
.  
Inquisitor: I was thinking.  
Cullen: Yes, love.  
Inquisitor: Maybe we could sneak out to a brothel or something.  
Cullen: A what?  
Inquisitor: A brothel. We could dress up. Pretend we are Orlesians or something.  
Cullen: Love, you have not the slightest idea what a brothel is, have you?  
Inquisitor: And you do?  
Cullen: I....


	18. Chapter 18

Inquisitor: Dorian?  
Dorian: Hmm?  
Inquisitor: Do you think this pair of pants gives me camel toe?  
Dorian: Ask someone who cares.  
Inquisitor: I'm serious.  
Dorian: So am I. I'm not looking there for any toes, camel or not.  
Inquisitor: It's not like there are any females here today to help me. You're the closest thing I've.  
Dorian: I'd rather kiss Solas' bony behind than check you for camel toes.  
Inquisitor: Oh come on! It's not like I'm asking....  
Cullen (walks by): Everything alright here? Inquisitor. Dorian.   
Dorian: Commander! Just the right person for the job. Could you please attend to the Inquisitor's camel toe. I have a date with a rather interesting book which I shall find in the library now (turns away to the door).  
Cullen: I didn't get the report that we have new mounts?  
Dorian (walks away): Ah yes. Mounts indeed. This job will certainly be needing a lot of mounting, Commander. Make certain you give the Inquisitor lots of opportunities to mount.  
Cullen (looks at the now flushed Inquisitor): So, is there something you need for your camel's toes, Inquisitor? I could....  
Inquisitor (points at the door, red to the ears): I...I... should go.... (runs off after Dorian).  
Cullen (to himself): What could be so wrong with her camel's toes....


	19. Chapter 19

Dorian: You're drooling.  
Inquisitor: Am not!  
Dorian: You need to stop looking at the Commander like he's a piece of honey roasted meat.  
Inquisitor (dreamily): Dorian, I think he's gorgeous....  
Dorian: No. I'm gorgeous. He's pretty. I'd agree he's quite dreamy at times though.  
Inquisitor (deep breaths, sighs)  
Dorian: If it makes you feel better, he definitely wants to bed you. Many, many, many times by the looks of it. You won't get much sleep with him in your chambers.  
Inquisitor: And you know all that, how?  
Dorian: One rub of the neck, looking down, he's nervous around you. Two rubs, he's not thinking straight. Two rubs with a slight smile, eyes downward to the right, he's imagining you being naked and him on top and pumping you. Trust me. He likes being on top.  
Inquisitor: How could you know that.  
Dorian: He looks like someone who likes to do the humping.  
Inquisitor: I mean what his actions means, you freak.  
Dorian: Says the woman whose hand is glowing green. Tsk. Tells, my oh-so-innocent girl. Everyone has them. The Commander just has tons more. He'll be terrible at wicked grace. We should make him play someday. We can get to see him without clothes and you can see if you want him after.  
Inquisitor: Oh, I'm pretty sure I do. And I'm not innocent.  
Dorian: Keep telling yourself that and you might just believe it. Well then, I'll see about speaking to the dwarf. Now close up those jaws. It's so unbecoming.


	20. Chapter 20

Inquisitor: So, what you reading, Cassandra?  
Cassandra: Argh! Could you stop startling me when I'm reading?  
Inquisitor: Smut again?  
Cassandra: No....  
Inquisitor: Yes....  
Cassandra: No!  
Inquisitor: Ah Ha! Yes!  
Cassandra: Fine. Yes. Now keep quiet.  
Inquisitor: Is it good?  
Cassandra: Very.  
Inquisitor: Can I borrow it after you're done.  
Cassandra: Why would you want to read it?  
Inquisitor: I just want to know....  
Cassandra (smirking): Ah ha....Well, the hero in this is blonde. And he has been an officer.  
Inquisitor: Is he....  
Cassandra: Good looking? Having a commanding presence? A gentleman? Good in bed?  
Inquisitor: I was going to ask - chest hair? Good with words? Smooth talker?   
(The two start giggling)  
Dorian (from behind) Women! Pathetic are now both thy names.  
Cassandra: Go away, Dorian.  
Dorian: I would. But your pathetic-ness just draws me in.  
Inquisitor: We were just chatting.  
Dorian: Like two virgin school girls. Seriously, what's stopping you two from pushing those two onto the floor and ravishing them? You (points at the Inquisitor) outranks him and you (points at Cassandra) most likely can carry him like a sack of beans!   
Cassandra: He might be short but he is strong! He can't be weighing like a....  
(The two looks at her with a smirk and a lift of a brow)  
Cassandra: What? I was just....  
Inquisitor: You just admitted you have a thing for our resident author...  
Cassandra (turning a shade darker than beet): I did not.... I...I'm going to ignore both of you now.


	21. Chapter 21

Inquisitor (rides up beside Dorian): Cullen said he doesn't mind.  
Dorian: Hmm?  
Inquisitor: You know, about hair.  
Dorian: The Commander is such an accommodating man.  
Inquisitor: He won't lie to me.  
Dorian: I said he is accommodating. I did not say he was lying.  
Inquisitor: So you still think I should go bald?  
Dorian: Ask the Seeker.  
Cassandra: I'll not talk about such things in the presence of Cole.  
Cole: I have hair. I like hair. Smooth and silky, shades of browns and blacks, golds and....  
Dorian: You won't like it where we are referring.  
Cole: Why not?  
Dorian: Because it's the last thing you want getting in your nose when your mouth is busy?  
Cole: Why would my mouth be busy? I do not want to eat hair?  
Dorian: No man does.  
Cassandra: Maker help me....  
Inquisitor: So should I go bald or not??!!!  
Dorian: I did not say bald. I said trim some areas and shave others.  
Inquisitor: Which is where?  
Cassandra (disgusted noise)  
Dorian: Shave where he likes to lick. Trim where he likes to look.  
Cassandra (louder disgusted noise)  
Cole: I did not know Cullen likes to lick the Inquisitor's head....


	22. Chapter 22

Inquisitor: You know, you should be more honest.  
Cassandra: I am honest. I might be the most honest person you have met.  
Inquisitor: I mean about Varric.  
Cassandra: I am always honest with Varric. I tell him how much he disgusts me daily.  
Varric (from somewhere behind): I heard that! That's the first time I heard you say it since our first night together.  
Cassandra:*disgusted noise*  
Inquisitor: I told you.  
Cassandra: Be quiet. Both of you.


	23. Chapter 23

Inquisitor: It's a bad idea to listen to you.  
Dorian: What do you mean. I have always have marvellous ideas. All the time.  
Inquisitor: Not when it comes to my love life.  
Dorian: Oh, that you did all on your own.  
Inquisitor: Dorian!


	24. Chapter 24

Inquisitor (smiling and shyly): He kissed my hand Dorian.  
Dorian: Hmm....  
Inquisitor: You're not listening, are you?  
Dorian: Hmm-mm....Not listening.  
Inquisitor: Why are you looking at Bull that way?  
Dorian: Have you ever noticed? His shoulders are really broad.  
Inquisitor: They all have broad shoulders. And very tough skins. So hard and tough. Takes more work to try hurting those guys.  
Dorian (thoughtfully): Sounds promising.  
Inquisitor: Ooh..... I get it.   
Dorian: You usually don't. Now what could have changed that?  
Inquisitor: You like Bull!  
Dorian: Don't be absurd. I don't like him. I just want to sleep with him  
Inquisitor: Keep telling yourself that.  
Dorian: Stop stealing my lines.


	25. Chapter 25

Inquisitor (eyes wide and whispers): Are you seeing what I am seeing?  
Dorian: Varric is going to have a fit.  
Inquisitor (still whispers): It says it's a rare crafting material. We should...Dorian! Corrupting runes!   
Dorian: Don't pick it up. Varric will strongly disapproves.  
Inquisitor: But...but...but...  
Cassandra: Varric will strongly disapproves. Then he will have a fit.   
Dorian: And then, he'll poke you new holes using Blanca. So no picking up the red lyrium.  
Inquisitor: But...but...corrupting runes, guys! And it's "Bianca".  
Cassandra: We have warned you.  
Inquisitor: But Dagna will do wonders with it!  
Cassandra: Do not say we did not tell you.  
Dorian (who has disappeared around the corner, comes running back): Quick! He's coming our way. Keep it in your pocket if you really want it.  
Inquisitor: You hide it! I've no pockets!  
Dorian: I can't! I have no pockets too!  
Inquisitor: Why would you wear anything without pockets outdoors!  
Dorian: It doesn't go with the style! You don't have pockets too!  
Inquisitor: Hide it, Cass! Your pockets!  
Cassandra (disgusted noise)


	26. Chapter 26

Dorian (slaps hard on the Inquisitor's bottom with a stick he has randomly picked up)  
Inquisitor: Ouch! Why would you go do that for?  
Dorian: I'm supposed to teach you how to present yourself at the Winter Ball. Now STOP walking like you have a wheelbarrow stuck between your legs. (Slaps the Inquisitor on her shoulder) And what is this? Were you brought up by mountain monkeys?  
Inquisitor: Ouch! OUCH! Stop it! That's how I walk!  
Dorian (continues slapping her bottom and shoulders while the Inquisitor tries to skip out of the way): You can't even attend a formal cave beetle wedding, let alone the Winter Ball! Disgraceful. (Slaps) Wiggle it right!  
Inquisitor: Stop it! It hurts! And beetles don't wed! Ouch!  
Dorian: Think about it. You would be walking up and down in front of the Commander that night. The entire night. That kind of walk will not gain you any "sexy" points.  
Inquisitor: I can be sexy. (Sees the way Dorian looks at her) Fine. Teach me.  
Dorian: Now stop sloughing like an ape.  
Inquisitor: Oh, make up your mind. Monkey or ape!


	27. Chapter 27

Varric: Oh for the love of the... It's the other way!  
Inquisitor: Sorry.... I turned too fast and lost my barring. (Turns and proceeds to run into Dorian)  
Inquisitor: Ops....  
Dorian: If there's a contest for moving obliquely in an uncontrolled manner, you'll win the gold medal.  
Varric: Will you stop skidding into everyone!  
Inquisitor: I can't! It won't let me! I swear, if I let you lead it will happen to you too! The lead's cursed!  
.  
.  
.  
.  
(Few minutes after Varric takes control.)  
Varric: Ahhhh... Shit!  
Inquisitor: I told you! It's cursed!


	28. Chapter 28

Inquisitor: Geronimo!  
Dorian: Sigh. She jumped again. (Shouts down the bridge) I'm not going to be the one telling the Commander you died jumping off a bridge for fun!  
Sera (looks down): Nope. She jumps, she bounces right back. We jump, we don't get to bounce back like that yeah. Nooooooo...  
TIB (jumps after the Inquisitor): JAIL RUN, WHORE!  
Sera (looks down over the edge after TIB): Your boyfriend's layers of messed up. Like sandwich cakes. Like layers and layers.  
Dorian: Sigh. I am so done. I think I am going back to bed. Wake me up when the world ends.  
Sera (still looking over the edge): Think your boyfriend's horns are stuck in a tree. (Sara's laugh commences)


	29. Chapter 29

Dorian (takes hold of the Inquisitor's arm): Come now. I've time today.  
Inquisitor: What? For what?  
Dorian: To teach you to play chess.  
Inquisitor (tries to wiggle free of Dorian's grip): But I don't want to learn to play chess. It's an old man's game. (Whispers to Dorian) I'm meeting Sara to put nug feed into Sola's tea!  
Dorian: You two are disgusting!  
Inquisitor: He doesn't know. He can't tell! He thinks tea tastes awful. It's hilarious!  
Dorian: You're learning to play chess. No nugging Solas today.  
Inquisitor: I don't want to learn chess. It's boring. Go teach the Commander or Cassandra. They will like it.  
Dorian: Now this is new. Calling one's crush boring.  
Inquisitor: That wasn't what I meant. Cullen's not boring. He's ...loyal and sensible and ....  
Dorian: dull?  
Inquisitor (gives Dorian the half-closed eyes look): I was going to say super hot. Super.  
Dorian: Chess. Now.  
Inquisitor: I hate board games.  
Dorian: Are you learning or not?  
Inquisitor: I'll stress myself out by wanting to be the best player if I do. I just want to relax and have fun while in Skyhold!  
Dorian (lets her go): Fine. Guess Cullen'll be spending those precious free time of his playing chess with me instead of you then. (Saunters off)  
Inquisitor: Now hold on just a minute. Come back now! Dorian!


	30. Chapter 30

Inquisitor: Where have you done it?  
Dorian: What?  
Inquisitor: Like where have you and Bull done it?  
Dorian: For a moment I thought you were asking me the places I've had sex with Bull.  
Inquisitor: I am.  
Dorian: Short of romantic places? Or the Commander not creative enough?  
Inquisitor: No. He is plenty creative. I just wonder if there is anywhere I can surprise him.  
Dorian: Anywhere is a good place for sex.  
Inquisitor: Not all. Solas' place is way too open.  
Dorian: Kitchen is not good, come to think of it. It's actually quite flirty in there.  
Inquisitor: Nah. He won't like that either.  
Dorian: And Vivienne's bed. Bad idea. Way too soft. We had such a hard time there.Stable is pretty fine. Mounts don't care. If you watch for it, the barracks are empty certain times of the day.  
Inquisitor: You slut. How many places in Skyhold did you not have sex in?  
Dorian: You asked. And there are places. Varric's quarters for one. Only because Cassandra's always in it.  
Cassandra: I am not! Well....not always.....


	31. Chapter 31

Cassandra (places a small grey pill bottle in the Inquisitor's palm): Here. This should last a while. Just take one after and chase it with water or wine.  
Inquisitor (opens the bottle and takes a whiff, makes a face): What is this?  
Cassandra: It's something you'll need. Judging from the way the Commander looks at you, if not now, soon.  
Josephine (giggles)  
Dorian: I say she'll be needing a lot more than that. He is the Lion of Ferelden after all. I'd expect more from the Commander.  
Josephine (still giggling): I sure hope so. He looks like he's all ravenous these days.  
Cassandra: The herbalist makes bottles of them daily. Just go to her when you need them.  
Dorian: It IS a very popular drug in Skyhold.  
Inquisitor: Cullen doesn't need drugs. If he is not eating, I'll get Jim to deliver his meals to his tower when I'm not around.  
Cassandra: Sometimes your innocence surprises me.  
Dorian: It's WHAT you NEED if you do not want little inquisitors and little commanders running around looking for little corypheuses to kill. It's what Cassandra uses to prevent little seekers and little rouge dwarfs with tiny little named crossbows running around Skyhold.  
Cassandra: I do not....  
Josephine (giggles): How cute would that be to see those! The tensions around these people are simply unbearable.  
Dorian: You say it right.  
Cassandra (disgusted noise)  
Inquisitor: Oh... But I don't sense any tensions. Cassandra, you and Varric? I thought you two hate each other.  
Cassandra (more disgusted noises)  
Dorian: That's because you're an epic fail in the art of seduction. You won't see it coming even if it's as big as Bull flying into your face.  
Inquisitor: I'm not an epic fail in....  
Josephine: That's why you and the Commander are so adorable together. Both are terrible at it.  
Inquisitor: We're not!  
Dorian: So how many times have you two done the grind?  
Josephine: Arched the spines?  
Dorian: Met the Marker?  
Josephine: Slammed the post?  
Dorian: Chanted the Chant?  
Josephine: Cleaned the pipes?  
Dorian: Curled the toes?  
Inquisitor: Am I supposed to know what those mean?  
Cassandra (sighs): I supposed I should let you read some of my books....  
Inquisitor: Finally?  
Josephine: I supposed that means you're worse at it than you thought.  
Inquisitor (disgusted noise)


	32. Chapter 32

Inquisitor: Why can't we just bury Corypheus?  
Varric: Remember? The gray wardens tried that, your Inquisitorialness.  
Inquisitor: No, they locked him up. I mean we bury him under layers and layers and layers of soil. Like not in a coffin even.  
Varric: Don't think that will work.  
Inquisitor: Wonder what's his weakness.  
Varric: Not soil for sure.  
Dorian: Not sex either. His face just doesn't look too sexually inclined.  
Inquisitor: Do you think Corypheus ever had sex?  
Varric: Who knows? Can you imagine Corypheus going about getting aroused?  
Inquisitor: Maybe he doesn't need to be. Maybe he uses magic to get it up.  
Varric: Maybe red lyrium gets him up. Ingest some. Rub some on himself. Do a little dance....  
Inquisitor: Add a little scanty small clothes....  
Dorian: It makes my brain shudders just thinking about it.  
Inquisitor: You started it!  
Dorian: No one asked you two to continue it.


	33. Chapter 33

Inquisitor: Harding, why are you always outside the Herald's Rest? Don't they give the head scout her own room or something?  
Harding: Ssshh. I'm pretending to look like I'm not spying while I'm spying.  
Inquisitor: Huh?  
Harding: I'm acting like I'm spying while pretending to be not spying but I'm really spying pretending to act like I'm spying while pretending I'm not spying.  
Inquisitor: Wait, so are you spying or not?  
Harding: Of course I am. I'm always spying when I'm not scouting.  
Inquisitor: So why can't you just say that?  
Harding: What fun would that be?  
Inquisitor (sighs): So who are you spying on?  
Harding: That one over there. Don't look!  
Inquisitor: Why are you spying on a chantry sister?  
Harding: I suspect she is not who she seems to be.  
Inquisitor: Why's that?  
Harding: Her hat is harder looking than the other chantry sisters. I bet it's make of something other than cloth.  
Inquisitor: So...?  
Harding: You have any idea how many daggers and knives they can hide inside one of those things if those things are hard enough to stay up like that? There could be a whole arsenal inside there.  
Inquisitor: All right.... I see your point. But I also see why you think Leliana wants to have you killed.


	34. Chapter 34

Inquisitor: Dorian?  
Dorian: Hmm?  
Inquisitor (reaches out her hand): Do you condition your moustache? It looks so..  
Dorian (slaps her hand hard): Oh no. Don't you dare!  
Inquisitor: Ouch! I was only going to touch it!  
Dorian: Oh no. I saw what you did to Varric's chest hair the other day. I'm not buying into that whole innocent act so there's no need to exert yourself.  
Varric (from behind): And it still hurts!  
Inquisitor: Oh stop whining. It was only a few hair!  
Varric: Those were some of my finest looking hair!  
Inquisitor: You asked for it. If they were so important you should have hidden it.  
Varric: The whole reason for having chest hair, especially such impressive ones, is to show it off.  
Dorian: I couldn't agree more.  
Inquisitor: Vain pots.


	35. Chapter 35

Inquisitor: So....  
Cullen: No.  
Inquisitor: What? I have not even....  
Cullen: No.  
Inquisitor: How...?  
Cullen: Every time you start a line with "So", you are up to something.  
Inquisitor: I do not...I am not....  
Cullen: I know you.  
Inquisitor: Oh? So how did you managed to know me so well huh, Commander?  
Cullen: I watch you. A lot.  
Inquisitor (seductively): Is that so?  
Cullen (softly): More than you'll ever notice.  
Inquisitor: So....  
Cullen: Oh Maker, yes.  
Inquisitor: I can get use to this.


	36. Chapter 36

Inquisitor: I think Varric likes you.  
Cassandra: He hates me as much as I hate him.  
Inquisitor: I don't think so.  
Cassandra: Oh?  
Inquisitor: He wrote you a dirty book.  
Cassandra: That was not a dirty book!  
Inquisitor: It's a dirty book, face it.  
Cassandra: I...I read it for the story of the great heroine.  
Inquisitor: And she has some naughty times in there.  
Cassandra: Maker takes you. You can be so....  
Inquisitor (pretending she does not hear Cassandra): So, if I were a writer, I bet I have to have some seriously strong imagination to write those dirty scenes.   
Cassandra: Your point?  
Inquisitor: How could you write that for someone if you do not want to do it to them? There are so much sensuality in those pages. Reading them makes me want to do things to you. And I prefer someone with that extra body part you don't have.

(Silence)

Inquisitor: Remember the part the man traces his hands over the heroine's scars? I swear I can picture him doing the exact same thing to you.  
Cassandra: Maker....I never....You don't supposed....  
Inquisitor: Oh.. I'm pretty sure I supposed.  
Varric (walks up to the two): What are you two fine ladies talking about?  
Cassandra: Varric? Ah! Varric!  
Varric: The last I checked, I believe that's the name my mother has given me.  
Cassandra: I...I...I need to go talk to Bull regarding an axe. (Immediately turns back to join TIB who is happily skipping along on his own behind the team, picking at his teeth.)  
Varric (watches the nervous seeker): What's wrong with her?  
Inquisitor: No idea.

(Silence)

Inquisitor: I think Cassandra likes you.  
Varric (laughs): You must have eaten a joke bug. She hates my guts. She demonstrated it many times, even stabbing me once.  
Inquisitor: She stabbed the book.  
Varric: I was behind the book.  
Inquisitor: I still thinks she likes you a lot.  
Varric: Oh? Do tell.  
Inquisitor: She asked you to write her a dirty book.


	37. Chapter 37

Inquisitor: Do all men have a preference to which side of the bed they sleep on?  
Dorian: What?  
Inquisitor: You know, like which side...  
Dorian: First of all, I'm not "all" men. I am "the" man. And second of all, I simply do not understand you sometimes.  
Varric: I am sure most people, man, woman, dwarfs, elves, even dogs and cats will have some sort of preference.  
Inquisitor: So I guess Cullen does too....  
Varric: I take it you don't then.  
Inquisitor: Well....not really. I really have no idea. I always slept on one side of the bed and woke on the other. I think I might have rolled over Cullen to get there.  
Sometimes, I woke with my head on the foot of the bed. I once woke staring at my slippers under the bed. My foot was on Cullen's chest with my toe up his nose. I have no idea how he could continue to sleep so soundly.  
Varric: She is one of those.  
Dorian: She is.  
Inquisitor: One of what?  
(No one answers)  
Inquisitor: One of what?  
(No one answers)  
Inquisitor (to TIB): One of what?  
TIB: How would I know? The two can be cryptic as fuck. Plus, I think they're just trolling you.  
Varric: We aren't. Although I really can't imagine.  
Dorian: Neither can I.  
Varric: To be one of those, sigh.  
Dorian: Just dreadful.  
Inquisitor: One of what?  
TIB: See, Trolls. Wait. Is that why I sometimes found you sleeping outside the tent? You ARE one of those.  
Inquisitor: Damn you all to the fade. I'll go ask Josephine.  
Varric (laughs): Good luck with that.  
Inquisitor: I hate you all.  
.  
.  
.  
(Back at Skyhold)  
Inquisitor: Josephine, do all men have a preference to which side of the bed they sleep on?  
Josephine: Now that is a curious question.  
Inquisitor: Wait. Actually Varric has answered that. I should ask instead what can one do to stop one from moving all over the bed after one is asleep. You know, so one won't be one of "those".  
Josephine: One of what?  
Inquisitor: That was what I have been asking!  
Josephine (smiling): I think I understand.  
Inquisitor: You do?  
Josephine: Definitely. Now to answer your question, we should first go back to the known knowns and the known unknowns. The implications that....  
(An hour later.)  
Josephine: So Inquisitor, as you can surly see....  
(soft snores can be heard on the floor in front of the desk.)  
Josephine: Oh, what do we have here? (Sighs) I should've just told you that it's because you were not having restful sleeps and that the herbalist has a good tea for it. I'll get someone to go get the Commander.


	38. Chapter 38

Requisition Officer 1: Inquisitor.  
Inquisitor: What is it?  
R.O.1: Nothing to report, ser.  
Inquisitor: Then why did you call me over like there was something to report?!  
R.O. 1 (Scratches head.)   
.  
.  
.  
R.O. 2: Inquisitor.  
Inquisitor: What is it?  
R.O. 2: Nothing to report, ser.  
Inquisitor: Again?  
R.O. 2: Pardon, ser?  
Inquisitor: Never mind.  
.  
.  
.  
R.O. 3: Inquisitor.  
Inquisitor: WHAT?!  
R.O. 3: Nothing to report, ser.  
Inquisitor: I swear, the next requisition officer who calls me over and have nothing to report, I am going to make her wash Bull's small clothes for a month!  
.  
.  
.  
R.O. 4: Inquisitor  
Inquisitor: WHAT!!!??  
R.O. 4: Nothing to re....  
Inquisitor: THAT'S IT! You're washing Bull's small clothes for a month!  
R.O. 4 (Scratches head and looks at TIB with questioning eyes.)  
TIB: Nah, don't sweat it. I don't wear any.

.....


	39. Chapter 39

Varric: That thing looks too vertical. You can't....  
Inquisitor: If I could just...(jumps) just...(jumps)....  
Sera: Ten silver says she falls, yeah?  
Varric: Double it.  
Sera: You're on.  
Inquisitor: I...(jumps) am not...(jumps)a betting..  
(jumps)...tool....  
Cassandra (disgusted noise)  
Inquisitor: Almost...(jumps)there....  
Cassandra (bending down): You realize there is a path up on your left, don't you?  
Inquisitor: Fuc....Why didn't you say so?! Argh......I am already up here!  
Cassandra: If you had stopped jumping for a bit and just looked, you would have discovered it!  
Inquisitor (disgusted noise)  
Varric: Pay up, Buttercup.  
Sera (disgusted noise)

.....


	40. Chapter 40

Inquisitor: Pretty sure it's dead by now.  
Cassandra (absently poking the ground with her dagger): Pardon me?  
Inquisitor (points to the ground): I said I'm pretty sure it's dead by now.  
Cassandra: Pfft.  
Inquisitor: Why are you so upset?  
Cassandra (digs deeper with her dagger): The nerves that woman has.  
Inquisitor: Who? Bianca?  
Cassandra: Who else?  
Inquisitor: Varric isn't too happy, but he'll be all right.  
Cassandra: She should have trusted him on his word.  
Inquisitor: Says the pot.  
Cassandra: Pardon me?  
Inquisitor: You didn't trust him either.  
Cassandra: That was because it was about Hawke. That stupid dwarf will do anything for his friends, even dying for them. But he will never lie about things that will cause dangers to anyone.  
Inquistor: Wow. If I don't know you better....  
Cassandra: I...I am just angry she was the leak.  
Inquisitor: I heard she broke Varric's heart.  
Cassandra: Pfft.  
Inquisitor: Went and married another man.  
Cassandra: Pfft (louder).  
Inquisitor: I think Varric is still licking that wound.  
Cassandra: He deserves better than that.  
Inquisitor: But she did say she will poke my eyes out if I get him killed.  
Cassandra: Isn't it a bit too late for such sentiments?  
Inquisitor: I know, right? It may be more likely she gets him killed, right?  
Cassandra (digs deeper into the ground): I will gut her and slice her to pieces if she ever dares even try.  
Inquisitor: Ah...hah....  
Cassandra: I mean...I....  
Inquisitor: What do you mean exactly?  
Cassandra: I was just... I am just angry for a comrade in arms.  
Inquisitor: I see....  
Cassandra: Yes.  
Inquisitor: Actually, I can totally understand why she would want to keep him around while she is still married. I mean, he is quite a handsome dwarf. He's like the male version of Harding. He has those dreamy eyes like her.  
Cassandra (far away look): He does....(realises it) I mean... he does?  
Inquisitor: Some day, Seeker, some day, you will have to admit you are having a crush on that dwarf.  
Cassandra: He wishes!  
.....


	41. Chapter 41

Dorian: Stalking the Commander much?  
Inquisitor: Just watching them spar. Stalking Bull much?  
Dorian: He stalks me.  
Inquisitor: Keep talking tough, moustache. I know you love that man.  
Dorian (mouth pulls back slightly)  
Inquisitor: Your douchey sneer says it all.  
Dorian: Not about me. Why are you here gawking?  
Inquisitor: I'm not. I'm just wondering what size shirt Cullen wears and what colour suits him. Thinking of getting him a few next time we pass Val Royeaux. He has pathetically few clothings.  
Dorian: That man will look good in yellow plaits and Sara's bee suit. However, you should worry more that you may be wasting coins. Like the man will wear anything else but that armour.  
Inquisitor: I'll make him.  
Dorian: Ah....now that's true love right there.  
Inquisitor (watches the two men spar): So want to bet who will win?  
Dorian: Bull will.  
Inquisitor: Cullen's winning at the moment, my slutty friend.  
Dorian: Bull hasn't even execute his killer move yet, my sex starved kitten.  
Inquisitor: Looks like he can't. Watch how Cullen is able to block and bash. Bull has no chance, conditioned facial hair.  
Dorian: All Bull needs is an open. Roll back and execute that move and Cullen won't be able to block the next one, tiny bottom.  
Inquisitor: My bottom is just right for Cullen's grab, thank you. Seriously, so much confidence in your man, huh? What secret lies behind that move?  
Dorian: The little surprise sneak attack is and always will be Cullen's bane. It's been acronymed "C.A.P.".  
Inquisitor: Woah, I need to know what C.A.P. is.  
Dorian: "Commander's Ass Pinch". Throws him off completely. He'll be too busy blushing and heying to see the next move coming. Still gonna bet on him?  
Inquisitor:.... Fine. You win....But (shouts down to Cullen) Watch out, love! Don't let Bull gets a chance to pinch your bottom!  
Dorian: Hey!  
Inquisitor: No one should be using C.A.P on my Commander but your Inquisitor. I shall be having a word with Bull later.  
Dorian: Traitor.  
Inquisitor: Slut.  
Dorian: You lose. No using insults twice.  
Inquisitor: Damn it!

 

...........


	42. Chapter 42

Leliana: Inquisitor. May I have a moment?  
Inquisitor: If that was about those missing chocolates....  
Leliana: It's regarding the mount.... Wait, you stole my chocolate?  
Inquisitor: Nooooo.... I wouldn't dare....  
Leliana (narrows her eyes)  
Inquisitor: Okay. Fine. I borrowed them. I was going to return them after my next trip back from Val Royeaux.  
Leliana (signs): I am here about the gift mount you have decided to give Harding. She CANNOT have that mount.  
Inquisitor: Oh come on, Leliana. We all know Harding worked hard and deserve some incentives.  
Leliana: I know Harding works very hard. But she does not deserve that mount. I beg you to reconsider.  
Inquisitor: Too late. I already instructed Blackwall to make her a nice saddle. He should be done soon.  
Leliana: (sighs) Fine. If you're really going make my best scout split her legs everytime she gets on that war nug, Blackwall better make her the most comfortable staddle he can ever make that suits a dwarf on a war nug or else, Inquisitor, please inform him to not sleep at night. I will shiv him. And then I'll shiv you for stealing my chocolates. Unless of course, you have a better mount in mind?  
Inquisitor: Okay, okay. What about say.... Apple Cheeks, the Blue River Bane. She will still look badass on it.  
Leliana (lifts an eyebrow)  
Inquisitor: Blackwall will make her special staddles. And Apple Cheeks always loves Harding.  
Leliana: And it will be of utmost comfort?  
Inquisitor: Cross my heart.  
Leliana: Then I will forget about the chocolate. But I want a new bag when you are back. As for Blackwall, he better make sure my best lead scout's bottom is safe.  
Inquisitor (chuckles)  
Leliana: I'm not joking

........


	43. Chapter 43

Inquisitor: Solas.  
Solas: Yes, Inquisitor?  
Inquisitor: Can I make a suggestion?  
Solas: Yes, Inquisitor. Of course  
Inquisitor: Next time you need to speak with me in private, let's not teleport all over the place and end up in my quarters, okay? We just walk out of your study over to Cullen's and chase him out of his office for a while and we can talk.  
Solas: Inquisitor?  
Inquisitor: It takes me a few seconds to run from Cullen's back to the hall but a full 2 minutes to just get out of the bleeding front door of my quarters!


	44. Chapter 44

Blackwall: It's not a good hidding place, Inquisitor.  
Inquisitor: Ssshhhh! This is the only place Cassandra won't look. Now stop giving me away!  
Blackwall: Still, it's a terrible place to hide.  
Inquisitor: Leliana and Josephine have engaged Cassandra to fit me for the ball, Blackwall. Do you have any idea what that means?  
Blackwall: That you will most likely be going in metal gear?  
Inquisitor: No! That would have been just fine. She makes everyone wears the men's uniform!  
Blackwall: Yes, I've seen it. It's a smart look.  
Inquisitor: I want a dress!  
Blackwall: You can't fight in a dress.  
Inquisitor: Wanna bet?  
Blackwall: Fine. You can fight in a dress. But still, this is a terrible place to hide.  
Inquisitor: What's your point?  
Blackwall: That surly you know by now Lady Josephine would not just ask Lady Cassandra to look for you.  
Inquisitor: Damn it, Blackwall! Why can't you say no to Josephine for once?  
Blackwall: I.... I think you should come with me, Inquisitor.  
Inquisitor: I should not!  
Blackwall: Lady Josephine is waiting.  
Inquisitor: Let's make a deal. You say you never saw me and I make sure you will one day see just how long Josephine's hair cascades down her bare back.  
Blackwall: Inquisitor! That is.... That's highly inappropriate!  
Inquisitor: Oh, I know. But I'm desperate and you are a horny old goat whenever you get to steal a look at Josephine's ass. So, it's that or I tell Josephine the only thing you watch while she is around are those nice swaying hips of hers!  
Blackwall: That's blackmail, Inquisitor.  
Inquisitor: Not if you get something out of it. It's a deal, not blackmail.  
Blackwall: I....  
Inquisitor: Deal then. Now get lost before they find you finding me.  
Blackwall: Fine. I am walking out of here now.  
(Blackwall walks away then turns)  
Blackwall: But you do know Commander Cullen told me I might find you here?  
Cullen (Walks in at that moment): What are you still doing here? The tailor is leaving in an hour. Josphine and Cassandra have been looking all over for you. Come quick for you fitting.  
Inquisitor: Damn you, Blackwall!  
Blackwall (laughs): A deal is a deal.


	45. Chapter 45

Inquisitor: How's everything with you and Bull.  
Dorian: Ask Cassandra.  
Inquisitor: Huh?  
Cassandra: Ask me?  
Dorian: Yes. Both of you love to pry and it would be much easier if you two just share your findings.  
Cassandra and Inquisitor (together): I do not pry!  
Inquisitor: We are concern.  
Cassandra: I was not even in the conversation to begin with!  
Inquisitor: Well, we are all concern about you. I show it by asking and Cassandra show it by lending you slutty novels.  
Cassandra: They are not slutty!  
Dorian: Smutty. Not Slutty.  
Inquisitor (shrugs): Slutty sounds about right.  
Dorian: Your ability to reason away your misuse of the language is astonishing.  
Inquisitor (shrugs): There were so much sex in those books, I'd call them slutty.  
Cassandra (disgusted noise)  
Varric: Everyone is a critic these days. And in my defence, those books will teach you a lot when time comes for you and the Commander.  
Inquisitor: I don't need ...  
Cassandra: So you know what to do?  
Inquisitor: We....  
Dorian: Do you think maybe....  
Varric (fake gasp): Inquisitor! Why you....  
Dorian: Naughty girl!  
Cassandra: Do tell! Was it romantic? Did he sweep you off your feet?  
Varric: We're not prying. We're just concern.  
Inquisitor: Oh, shut up. I got it already.  
Cassandra: No, seriously. Was it romantic? What did he say? How did he even suggest it? When did it happen? Did you spent the night? Was it your quarters or his? How....  
Varric: Do not pry indeed.  



	46. Chapter 46

Inquisitor: SOLAS!  
Inquisitor (jumps off the library railing onto Solas)  
Solas: No! Hold On!  
Dorian (leans over said railing): Such display of daredevilness. Another new way you conjured up to kill yourself, Inquisitor?  
Inquisitor (jumps and stands): I am alright! I am fine! This way is so much faster! I am alright!  
Solas (wincing in pain): I am...not!  
Dorian: Ops.  
Inquisitor: Solas! You were supposed to get out of the way when I screamed your name!  
Solas (pained expression): And you were supposed to use the stairs!  
Inquisitor: Dorian! Go get a....  
Solas: I'm fine, just got the wind....  
(The Canon of Medicine hits the Inquisitor on the head.)  
Inquisitor: Ouch! What the fuck, Dorian!  
Dorian: You hurt him, you fix him. Now let me see if there are any thicker volumes here.  
Inquisitor and Solas: NO!  
Varric (walks in): What are you kids shouting abou....  
(Varric gets hit over the head by History of Medicine In Orlais)  
Varric: What the fuck?!  
(Above them)  
Dorian: Oh look, The 65 Volume Compendium of Eastern Healing.  
Inquisitor, Solas and Varric (look at one to another) together: Run!


	47. Chapter 47

Cassandra (right when a sentinel went stealth) : Becareful. Their assassins go invisible.  
Varric (blinds a venatori) : Why thank you, Seeker Obvious. That was really helpful.  
Cassandra (still fighting): I was trying to BE helpful, fungus!  
Varric: I'm just saying, if you're going to be late all the time....  
Cassandra: I am never late!  
Cole (after taking down his sentinel): It isn't good to fight while in love.  
Cassandra: We are not!  
Varric: Now, where did you learn about love, kid?  
Cole: I watch you and Cassandra. Cullen and the Inquisitor. Josephine and Blackwall. Dorian and The Iron Bull. You all are in love.  
Cassandra: We are not!  
Varric: Only if she is not that obvious all the time.  
Cassandra: Curse you, Dwarf. (Sees a sentinel appearing behind Varric)  
(Varric does a hundred and eighty spin and lets loose a bolt from Bianca.)  
Cassandra: Behind you! (Sentinel already hits the ground.)  
Varric: And only if she is not always late.  
Cassandra: Curse you!  
Inquisitor (takes down her own venatori): Oh, stop. You two are fighting like an old couple.  
Cassandra and Varric (together, one shouting, one jesting): We are not fighting!  
The Blinded Venator: Wait we aren't? Where is everyone?  
Cole: You forgot this one.


	48. Chapter 48

Inquisitor (jumps onto Dorian's bed and makes herself comfortable): I'm too pooped to poop.  
Dorian: That is my bed.  
Inquisitor (starts snoring lightly)  
Dorian: How can anyone just fall asleep so quickly? You can't sleep here. (kicks the Inquisitor)  
Inquisitor (snores)  
Dorian: Very well then. Cassandra! Get your seeker arse in here!  
.  
.  
.  
Cassandra: She cant sleep in my bed. Where would Var.... She just can't.  
Inquisitor (snores and mumbles): Fluffy Dory....  
Dorian: She is not sleeping in mine. Well, help me carry her to her quarters. I'm not taking her up those stairs on my own.  
TIB: What's going on here?  
Dorian (presents the snoring Inquisitor to TIB)  
Inquisitor (mumbles): Fluffy cow....  
TIB: Ah, yes. Seen her do it before. Vivienne was livid.  
Cassandra: Why don't you go sleep in Bull's quarters and let her be?  
Dorian: Have you ever been to Bull's quarters?  
TIB: I resent that.  
Inquisitor (mumbles): Fluffy Cassybun....  
Dorian: Do you want to sleep here tonight or not?  
TIB: Errr...Fine. Give her here. I know a place to put her that doesn't require me to climb a hundred flight of stairs.  
.  
.  
.  
Cullen (scratches his neck): Inquisitor? What are you doing in my bed?  
Inquisitor (snores)  
Cullen: Inquisitor?  
Inquisitor (mumbles): Cullen....  
Cullen: Yes. Inquisitor. You're sleeping in the wrong bed again.  
Inquisitor (giggles in her sleep): Fluffy Cully....  
Cullen (sighs)  
Inquisitor (slaps and pulls Cullen half into bed and hugs him like a teddy bear, puts her leg over him): Fluffy..night night.  
Cullen (unintelligible sounds)


	49. Chapter 49

(Loud knocks on the door. Dorian opens it.)

Dorian: Commander. This is a surprise.  
(Dorian cannot help himself. Stares at Cullen's hair.)  
TIB: What's up with your hair?  
Cullen: Which one of you put her in my bed again?  
(Dorian laughs)  
TIB: What's up with your hair?  
Cullen: Have you people any idea how she's like asleep?  
Dorian: I share a tent with her many nights, Commander. I know very well how she's like asleep. But this (points to Cullen's hair) is a new record for her.  
TIB: How did she get you hair to look like some shaggy macaroni on the run from the Blight?  
Cullen (goans)  
TIB: Damn. First time I seen her making hair come alive in her sleep. Definitely a new record.  
Cullen: Shut up, Bull. You're coming with me to help put her back in her bed.  
TIB: No.  
Cullen: What?  
TIB: No. N. O. No.  
Cullen: You're coming and that's it.  
TIB: You want her gone, you make her gone.  
Cullen: I can't. I tried.  
Dorian(still laughing softly): How's that?  
Cullen: I get close, she pulls me in and hugs me like I'm some oversized mabari and...and (makes stroking and ruffling gestures). She thinks I'm some furry pet in her sleep that she hugs and coos and cuddles and....squishes (points to his hair and sighs).  
Dorian: You're saying that you don't like her hugging and cooing at you?  
Cullen: Well, I....  
Dorian: You're saying you don't like being cuddled by her?  
Cullen: I...I don't....  
TIB: Maybe it's how she squeezes his face between her bosom he has no care for?  
Cullen (turns red): No...I mean....  
TIB (laughs): Feels good, doesn't it?  
Cullen (rubs his neck and smiles shyly): I....  
Dorian: Why don't you and I go help the Commander get her OFF his bed?  
TIB: Sure.  
Cullen (quickly): Wait....  
Dorian (folds his arms): Changed your mind?  
Cullen (continues rubbing his neck): I never noticed....  
Dorian: That when she hugs you, you were most likely squished between her breasts? (Cullen rubs his neck even more furiously.) Well, let's go wake her, shall we?  
TIB (mostly to himself): I've never seen someone who sleeps like a dead cow and just jumps up and ready to kill except her. I swear she's some psycho golem. Switch off. Switch on.  
Cullen: I....It's not good to wake her. I'll just sleep in the barracks tonight.  
Dorian: Oh, I am starting to wonder if Cole might have more experience with a woman that you do.  
Cole: Will I need the experience?  
TIB: What the fuck!  
Cullen: Andraste's tits!  
Dorian: Cole! When did you come in?  
Cole: I came in with Cullen.  
Cullen (closes his eyes, sighs): Cole, how many times do I have to tell you to not do that? You need to announce you presence.  
Cole: I did. I asked a question.  
Cullen: Nevermind. I'm too tired to explain. I'm going back to bed.  
Dorian: Back to bed? How long have you been in "bed"?  
Cullen: I....  
Cole: A very long time. Afraid to move. What if it wakes her? So soft. Her smells. Flowers. Reminds me of spring. Tingling in my....  
Cullen: Please stop, Cole.  
Cole: Why? Those are happy thoughts.  
Dorian (smirks): Very happy thoughts, I'd gather.  
Cullen: I'm leaving before I regret it more.


	50. Chapter 50

Inquisitor: Hide me!  
Dorian: Among the books? Good luck finding one big enough to slam shut with you in it.  
Inquisitor: I am serious! Hide me quick! Josephine wants me entertaining her nobles again!  
Dorian: The new group that arrived today?  
Inquisitor (nods and pleas)  
Dorian: Maybe you should give up hiding. You know she'll find you eventually. She was once a bard afterall. My advice, be gracious and go be a good hostess. You'll thank me.  
Inquisitor: I'd rather eat nug poo than give up hiding from those...things.  
Dorian: Are you absolutely sure about that?  
Inquisitor: Absolutely.  
Dorian: Positively?  
Inquisitor: Positively. Now hid me!  
Dorian: Even after I tell you that the nobels are here to look into the Commander?  
Inquisitor: Huh?  
Dorian: Well, I'm sure some in there are just here to proposition him. Group sex is quite the fashion now I heard. Some might want to wed him though. Hard to say. You sure you want to let them speak to Josephine and Leliana? They might just sell him to the highest bidder, and throw in a Blackwall as an special offer.  
Inquisitor (turns and stalks off)  
Dorian: Aren't you going to hide?  
Inquisitor (jumps off from the library): Not anymore!  
Solas (from below): Inquisitor! How many times have I told you to use the stairs!  
Inquisitor: Shut it, Solas. I've no time for stairs! They're not touching him!  
Dorian (sighs): And I alone saved everyone's day again. I'm just that fabulous as usual.


	51. Chapter 51

Inquisitor: I need a hand!  
Vivienne: Sure, darling. What would you like me to do? Considering your handicap and what you've been through, I'd be happy to wash your bottom for you. Once and once only though.  
Inquisitor: I'm not kidding! I need a hand! I can't (flaps her now empty sleeve with her hand) do anything! You have to come up with something! I want a bitchingly sick mechanical arm so I can slap Solas out of it when I see him again!  
Vivienne: I'm a mage, darling, not a handyman.  
Inquisitor (pouts): Bad pun.  
Vivienne: Worth a try. Oh, stop that, will you. A mechanical arm is so yesterday. You need something more natural and enchanted.  
Inquisitor (pouts more)  
Vivienne: Darling, I told you to stop pouting. Oh very well. Go get them, then. We'll need Varric, Josephine, Dagna and Leilana. And get Blackwall too. He's pretty good at making things.  
Inquisitor: You know I love you, Viv.  
Vivienne: How I only wish that is not true. Run along now and go get them before the sun goes down. I have a beauty appointment to keep.  
Inquisitor: You know I love you.  
Vivienne: Don't try weaseling yourself out by appealing to my heart, Inquisitor. You know you owe me one after this.  
Inquisitor: I still love you.  
Vivienne: Oh, Darling. Just go before I change my mind.


	52. Chapter 52

Varric: So, what are your plans now?  
Inquisitor: Wait in Skyhold until Solas raises up that shinny bald head like the morning sun. Then I'll crack it and make breakfast out of it.  
Dorian: What if it takes him ten years to come back?  
Inquisitor: Teach my children to insult uncle Dorian when he visits.  
Varric: That I'd like to see.  
Dorian: Doubt you'll ever get to see it. They'll love me too much to even dream of insulting me. And who's to say you"ll have children by then?  
Varric: Curly did so much planning before with the troops, it might be in one of his to-do-list already.  
Inquisitor: Nope. Never planned on any of these happening so I just made it up. But now come to think of it, I think I have an idea what to do with Skyhold and earn tons of gold while we wait.  
Dorian: Do share.  
Inquisitor: Start a sex theme park....  
Varric: Oh, and here we go. The famous Inquisitor's bad mood talk. At least now we know you're ready for some wine.  
Inquisitor: I am. And I want to make statues of eggs wearing plaits in compromising positions and give them away to the first hundred winners to Varric's Kirkwall lottery.  
Dorian (hugs Inquisitor): Better?  
Inquisitor: No.  
Varric (Gets up from his seat): Lots of wine then? I'll go get Cullen and Cassandra.  
Dorian: Make those the best wine. (Hugs Inquisitor again) You'll be fine. (Shouts after Varric) And don't forgot those fried meat bits. She'll need them tonight.  
Inquisitor: Thank you. I love you all. And I need a really big spoon to crack that egg after I hard boiled him.  
Dorian (smooths Inquisitor's hair while continues to hug her): You'll be fine.


	53. Chapter 53

Inquisitor (happily): Cassandra!  
Cassandra: No.  
Inquisitor (blinks): But....But I have not even ask....  
Cassandra: Whatever you are going to ask, the answer is no.  
Inquisitor: But... Cassandra!  
Cassandra: We are in the Winter Palace. There can be only one thing you are going to ask me for here and the answer is no. Not now, not ever.  
Inquisitor: How would you even know what I am going to ask you?  
Cassandra: You want to steal that strange looking mounted piece in Grand Duke's Gaspard's trophy room and hide it in my bag and the answer is no.  
Inquisitor (gasps): How did you know?  
Cassandra: You are that predictable, when it comes to picking up and stealing strange things. The last straw came when you tried to hide what you found in the pile of dung in my sack.  
Inquisitor: But, that was ages ago! This is different! They say it's from another world! It's one of a kind!  
Cassandra: If it was something from the Fade then you should stay clear of it.  
Inquisitor: It's from another world! And it's a badass warrior! They call it a Krogan! A Krogan! Isn't that badass sounding?  
Cassandra: Was.  
Inquisitor: Huh?  
Cassandra: It no longer is badass, mounted the way it is on the wall.  
Inquisitor: That's not the point!  
Cassandra: The point is still "No".  
Inquisitor: ....Fine then....  
Cassandra: And if you ask Bull or Varric to help, I swear to the Maker I will tear them new ones. And I have informed them that.  
Inquisitor (pouts): But I love you so much.  
Cassandra: No.  
Inquisitor (pouts more): I just want it for a bit. I promise I'll get Sera to take it back.  
Cassandra: No.  
Inquisitor: Please...  
Cassandra: I said no.  
Inquisitor: Please....  
Cassandra: It's not right....  
Inquisitor: Please.... just for a bit....  
Cassandra (sighs): I am not carrying it out.  
Inquisitor (runs off): I love you! Did I say I love you? I SO LOVE YOU!  
Cassandra: Maker...What have I gotten myself into.


	54. Chapter 54

Inquisitor (bangs on the war table with both hands): Holy Mother of nugs! I just had a great idea! (Points at Cullen) Commander!  
Cullen (blinks): Er..yes?  
Inquisitor: We should have warhounds help deliveries. But make sure they are treated as well as our soilders. I love them.  
Leilana: That's not a bad idea. It will free up some....  
Inquisitor: Exactly!  
Cullen (impressed and happy): A good Mabari hound is worth ....  
Inquisitor: Good point!  
Josephine: I might know some....  
Inquisitor: Go do that!  
Josephine: But I haven't finished what I was going to say.  
Inquisitor (points at Leilana): Yay! Can free scouties to do their stabby stabbies. (points at Cullen) Yay! Doggies are my besties. (points at Josephine) Yay! Can talky someone into it without nasties. Did I miss anything?  
Josephine: I... I think you've covered it.  
Inquisitor (skips away waving a book in her hand): Awesome! Now I can go give this smut to Cassandra and watch her face lights up while turning red!  
Cullen (watches her): Maker's breath....  
Leilana(smirking): That's not how I pictured the Commander realizing he has crushed hard on the Inquisitor.  
Josephine(giggles): It's the dogs, isn't it?  
Cullen(turns red): That's not... I....  
Leilana: Oh, that is not how you realized you are in love with her? What did it then?  
Cullen: Maker's breath. Will you two get off my back.  
Josephine (giggles): Certainly, Commander. Once we know you've strategically nested yourself comfortably 'in' the Inquisitor, we'll get off your back.  
Cullen: Will you two just leave me alone.  
(Both girls laugh)


	55. Chapter 55

Requisition officer: Ser! I have something for you, ser.  
Inquisitor (walks away at double speed)  
Requisition officer: Ser! You might want to take a look at this.  
Dorian: What is ....  
Inquisitor, Varric and Blackwall (together): Noooooo!!!!  
Requisition Officer: See for yourself, ser.  
Inquisitor: What did you just do?!  
Dorian: She looked like she had something important to tell you. What? Was I wrong to act as I should?  
Blackwall: You've not been with us long. Had you been around longer, you'll know to stay clear of those women.  
Varric: Stay far far clear of them. If you can, try and have a big ass snowcap mountain between you and them.  
Dorian: What is so wrong that you need to avoid such a lovely lady at all cost?  
Inquisitor: I think they are the hell spawns Josephine conjured up in her sleep to torture me for disappearing from her meetings with the nobles.  
Varric: Me, I think they are in cahoots with Leilana to make sure we don't get lazy and bum in camp.  
Blackwall: I sure am not one to want to be seen in camp when they are walking around.  
Dorian: You people are being ridiculous.  
.  
.  
.  
Two weeks later

Requisition Officer: Ser! I have something for you, ser.  
Dorian: Fuck! Run!


	56. Chapter 56

Cullen (almost takes the door off the hinges walking into the war room): Leilana. I heard that Inquisitor went out to the Hinterlands alone?  
Leilana: Commander. I take it you have not had breakfast yet from the growling?  
Cullen: How could you let her out there with no backups?  
Leilana: The Hinterlands are safe now. My scouts are everywhere. We have camps in all locations. She is fine, Cullen.  
She might just want to do some shopping.  
Cullen: This is not funny. She could be in danger!  
Leilana: From no longer existing threats or other men ready to woo her?  
Cullen: That's not what I meant!  
Leilana: I saw the way you looked at her when she was not paying attention. Those dreamy looks you gave.  
Josephine (smiling diplomatically): Oh, Commander. She's capable of taking down dragons. I'm sure she's fine. With all the attention she gets from men around here, including you, She just need some time off.  
Cullen: I'm not....She's not....I mean....I'm not coming across as being too forward, am I? Did I scare her off? Does she need time off from me?  
Josephine: That's a lot of questions.  
Leilana: It could be just Dorian she is hiding from.  
Josephine: Oh, Dorian is found whereever the Inquisitor is these days. He must really have a thing for her.  
Cullen: Dorian? I thought....I thought they were just good friends?  
Leilana: Oh, Cullen. You're adorable sometimes.

Dorian (blasts through the door): All right! Out with it! Who sent the Inquisitor out without me?  
Leilana: Why, speak of the devil.  
Cullen (huffs and puffs up and walks to the door): I'll be in my office if anyone needs me.

Dorian (after Cullen slams the door shut): So, may I inquire as to how my award winning act just now will trebuchet the Commander's actions to wooing our Inquisitor?  
Josephine: Just helping to shorten the duration of their long game. Jealousy can be a great motivator.  
Dorian: He has no idea I'd rather be under his bed covers than the Inquisitor's, does he?  
Leilana: Not a clue.  
Josephine: Oh behave. We all have a bet to win, remember?  
Dorian: True, but still.... Well then ladies, I will get back to the kitchen and see to it that the Inquisitor does not burn the hold down trying to make bread for our adorable general.  
Josephine: Are you teaching her the recipe I gave you? That's his favourite.  
Dorian (leaves): Whatever recipe that may be, if I don't go now, it will end up being nothing but highly toxic rock buns.


	57. Chapter 57

Inquisitor: Bull just showed me his new gift. Did you do it?  
Cole: He likes it.  
Inquisitor: Yes. But was it you who did it?  
Cole: He doesn't know.  
Inquisitor: Cole, was it you?  
Cole: He is happy now.  
Inquisitor: Yes, now did you do it?  
Cole: It has all his favourite colours.  
Inquisitor: Cole, honey, you were supposed to answer with just a yes or no! Now, I need to be sure. Bull won't let me go near it. Which worries me. So Cole, those wings were tied on the iguana and not glued on, right?  
Cole: What is glue?  
Inquisitor: Yes or no answer!  
Cole: How do I answer yes or no if I do not know what it is?  
Inquisitor:... I need wine.


	58. Chapter 58

Inquisitor: Commander, what are you doing?  
Cullen: Inquisitor! Josephine! I didn't hear you come up!  
Josephine: Cullen, why are you standing on the chest throwing rocks at your roof?  
Cullen: I...I.... There was a bird?  
Inquisitor: What bird? (looks at the roof) Commander! We just fix that!  
Josephine: Cullen! Are you kidding me? The Inquisitor and I spent the whole morning patching that up!  
Cullen (rubs his neck sheepishly): I...I had no idea you did it. I thought....  
Inquisitor: Why in the fade would you go tear yourself a hole in the roof after we fixed it?!  
Cullen (still sheepishly): It looks better with the hole?


	59. Chapter 59

Bianca: If you get him killed, I'll feed you your eyeballs, Inquisitor.  
Inquisitor (Not listening. Busy looting): Sure....  
Cassandra (Ready her sword): WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?  
TIB (Growls)  
Inquisitor (Blinks): What? Wait. What did you say?  
Bianca: I was just....  
Cassandra (Backs Bianca into a corner): FEED HER HER EYEBALLS? YOU RELEASE RED LYRIUM ON THEDAS!   
TIB (Stands besides Cassandra): I am so not chill right now, you can hear my horns cracking. Give me a good excuse to not let the Seeker tear your sorry ass to pieces.  
Biance (shaking): Hmmmm, Inquisitor. You might want to call off your dogs.  
Inquisitor (pushes both Cassandra and TIB out of the way): WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL MY FRIENDS?  
TIB: It just gets worse everytime you open your mouth.  
Inquisitor: WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!  
TIB (Pulls her away from Bianca): Woooooah. (To Bianca) And now you turned her bitch mode on. Better run. (Holds on to Inquisitor then slings her over his shoulder when she struggles to get free) Woooooah. Calm down.  
Cassandra: I AM ENDING YOU RIGHT HERE!  
TIB (uses his other free hand to grab Cassandra)  
Inquisitor (shouts from TIB shoulder): I'LL FUCKING CARVE YOUR SORRY ARSE INTO A NUUUG!  
Cassandra (straining to get loose from TIB): HER EYEBALLS? I WILL SMARSH YOUR EYEBALLS RIGHT BACK INTO YOUR SKULL!  
TIB: You really want to stay here and play tough with two angry, dragon slaying, bad ass women?!  
Varric (Walks back in just as a very frightened Biance runs out the door, looks at her and back at the trio): What the hell is going on? I just left you people for a minute.


	60. Chapter 60

Inquisitor (has a hood over her head, says in a deeper voice than usual): Commander.  
Cullen (sits down diagonally across with his dinner, not recognising her): Evening.  
(The two eat in silence)  
.  
.  
.  
Alistair (suddenly sits himself down with no invitation): Evening, good folks of the inquisition.  
Cullen: King Alistair! You shouldn't be here. Didn't Josephine organised a dinner with the nobles in your honour?  
Alistair (whispers): Hush. I am trying to blend in so she can't find me.  
Cullen: Why?  
Alistair: Because I don't want to eat with the nobles. Even good cheese tastes funny when you have to eat in front of Olasian nobles. I can never get why they wear masks. They can't have that many pimples they need to hide.  
Inquisitor (cannot help herself): Maybe they have puffy eyes as they're allergic to the air?  
Alistair: Funnel faces. Allergies can do that.  
Cullen (laughs): I can imagine that. Those are good enough reasons to wear masks.  
Inquisitor: Their faces have all recoiled into themselves. Too many seizures from the sneezes.  
Cullen (laughs like a dork)  
Alistair: They need the masks so they can look remotely serious.  
Inquisitor: Who needs nugs when you have nobels.  
Cullen (finally realising): Wait, Inquisitor? You should be at the dinner too.  
Inquisitor (Shushes him): I'm trying to blend in here.  
Alistair: You didn't know it was her? I knew it was her before sitting down and I only met her what? Three times?  
Cullen (shyly): I...er...I wasn't paying attention.  
Inquisitor: I don't think the Commander pays much attention to the ladies.  
Cullen: What...no... I mean....yes...but....  
Alistair: I had no idea you don't like ladies. I always thought you were....  
Cullen (worries): No... that's not....  
Inquisitor: I heard talks that the Commander has turned down quite a number of propositions from many ladies here and all over.  
Alistair: Has he turned you down yet?  
Inquisitor: I'm afraid to try. What if I get turned down? Where would I hide my face?  
Alistair: The face of the Inquisition cannot be left un-hide-able.  
Inquisitor: Exactly.  
Cullen: I'm still here.  
Alistair: So, Commander. Will you or will you not accept the Inquisitor's proposition?  
Cullen: That's...highly inappropriate.  
Inquisitor (pouts): I guess I'll have to go proposition Solas then.  
Cullen (almost shouts): No, you will not! I mean....  
(Both Inquisitor and King are a little taken aback)  
Cullen: I...er.... (finishes his food in large gulps) I have to go back to my reports. King Alistair. Inquisitor. (Rushes away from the table)  
Alistair: I think he likes you. You think he likes you? I think he likes you.  
Inquisitor (still have half her bread hanging out of her mouth): You think?


	61. Chapter 61

Cullen: You look ravishing tonight.  
Inquisitor (smiles her most seductive smile and nods at everyone passing by): Why, thank you, Commander. And you always look dashing.  
Cullen (shyly rubs his neck): You're...too kind. You are always as beautiful as the sunset to me.  
Vivienne (appears out of no where behind Cullen): You two darlings need to stop with those dreadfully polite blinddate lines.  
Cullen: We....  
Dorian (also appears out of no where): Need to stop the awkward flirting and just go hump each other.  
Inquisitor (smiles and nods)  
Cullen: Seriously, this is not the place to speak in this manner..  
Inquisitor (smiling)  
Vivienne: Oh, but I do agree with my fellow mage here. You two need to go to her room and go wild. This is getting pathetically sad.  
TIB (appears out of no where from the side): I heard someone said humping. Are we assuming they are doing the horizontal tango already?  
Inquisitor (still smiling seductively, says between her teeth): Go away, Bull.  
Cullen: Yes. Go away. All of you.  
Vivienne: But darling, you two are killing us. Look at her. The dress is perfect, her heels accentuate her figure in the sexiest way possible. (to the Inquisitor) If I were the Commander, I would have swept you in my arms and wisked you to my chambers.  
Cullen (red eared): You do...look really nice.  
Inquisitor (smiling seductively)  
TIB (does not seem to care about the conversation): What's wrong with this picture?  
Cullen: Wrong?  
TIB: Something is wrong with this picture.  
Dorian (thoughtfully smoothing his moustache): Indeed.  
Inquisitor (still smiling seductively)  
Vivienne: Darling, are you all right?  
Cullen (totally confused)  
Inquisitor (seductive smiles, nodding at nobles walking passed, speaks between grinding teeth): So much pain! If I walk a step forward, my ankles will break. (smiles and nods) I can't sit because I can't stand up. I cannot reach the food because I can't walk. And I am starving. (smiles and nods) No. I am not all right. I'm in pain! (smiles and waves) Who has the mood to think about sex while their stomach is growling and their fucking feet are breaking?!  
Cullen: Then we better get you off your feet. (without asking for permission, picks the Inquisitor up and started for her room) Excuse me, coming through.  
(Vivienne, Dorian and TIB watch them go)  
TIB: I guess you two underestimated the Commander. He seems pretty capable of throwing her in his bed if he wants to.  
Vivienne (rolls her eyes and walks away): He sure is taking his time. That girl needs better heels. I'm going to have a word with Josie and our spy master.  
Dorian (thoughtfully): That's a keeper right there.  
TIB (leechery smile): You should try me for size.  
Dorian (rolls eyes, walks off)  
TIB (follows): I'm a great keeper.  
Inquisitor (from somewhere they cannot see): Wait, Cullen! Get me near the food first!


	62. Chapter 62

Inquisitor (from behind): What do you two have there?  
Blackwall (almost drops the box)  
Sera: Hey! Watch the toes, dumb ass!  
Inquisitor: What is that heavy thing you have? You better not be smuggling a bear into this place or I swear....  
Voice (inside the box): Who the fuck is calling me heavy?  
Sera (hits the box slightly): Hush! Not there yet.  
Inquisitor (points at the box as the two gently put it down): What in the fade are you two doing with a woman inside the box?  
Sera: A present. For the Commander. He'll like it. You can like it too. Come along. It be fun!  
Inquisitor (getting angry): Blackwall. Explain.  
Blackwall (sheepishly): Well, it is the Commander's birthday. And he has been too busy... We just want to give him a surprise.  
Inquisitor (more jealous then angry): You two got Commander Cullen a whore?!  
Voice: Who the fuck is that out there calling me a bear then a whore?! You have some nerves! Let me out so I can get my hands on her!  
Inquisitor (points at Blackwall): You two got him a fighting whor.... (points at Sera but no one is there). Where the fuck did she go?  
Blackwall: Ah, great....  
Inquisitor (points back at Blackwall): Blackwall....!  
Voice: Hey! Have some respect! I may be a working girl but I am no whore!  
Inquisitor: Oh yeah, what are you then?  
Voice: I'm a certified dancer!  
Inquisitor: Blackwall! You got the Commander a stripper?!  
Blackwall: It was all Sera's idea....  
Voice: A dancer!  
Inquisitor: Well, do you take off your clothes while you dance?  
Voice: Of course! It's part of my dance to jiggle those teaties! And no one in this part of Orlais does it like me!  
Inquisitor (stares at Blackwall): You are fucking kidding me.  
Blackwall (sheepishly): .....  
Voice: I have the best teaties this part of Orlais!  
Blackwall (facepalms)  
Voice: I'm on a special homemade supplement just to keep those teaties firm and perky! I take my job seriously!  
Blackwall (facepalms somemore)  
Inquisitor (raises an eyebrow): A special supplement?  
Voice: Of course! You can't just let those babies sag!  
Inquisitor (thoughtfully): Hmmm... homemade huh? Tell you what, you don't have to dance tonight and I will pay you three times what those two idiots paid you to come to the apothecary and share that homemade recipe with me.  
Voice: Ten times!  
Inquisitor: Four!  
Voice: Seven!  
Inquisitor: Five and that is it!  
Voice: Deal!  
Inquisitor (to Blackwall): Well, what are you waiting for? Get her to the apothecary.  
Blackwall (sighs and bends to lift the box)  
Inquisitor (her turn to facepalm): I said her. Not her in the box. Get her out first!  
Blackwall: Oh, yeah. I forgot.  
Inquisitor: And I do not want any woman, stripper or whore or whoever, near the Commander!  
Blackwall: Loud and clear, Inquisitor!


	63. Chapter 63

Inquisitor (palms her chin on the table, smiling)  
Cullen: Is everything fine, Inquisitor?  
Inquisitor (still smiling): Yes.  
Josephine: I think I need some tea. (walks out) No one is being serious today.  
Cullen (looks around at Josephine then at Leliana)  
Leliana (studying the map): I wonder what else....  
Cullen (looks at the Inquisitor who is still smiling): What?  
Inquisitor (silly smile): You said 'bunny'.  
Cullen: And?  
Inquisitor: That's so cute.  
Cullen: A grown man can't say 'bunny'?  
Inquisitor: Yes. But you saying it makes it so absolutely adorably cute.  
Cullen (smirks and whispers): If you like it, I can be cute for you anytime you want.  
Inquisitor (whispers back): I'd love that. (girly giggles)  
Leliana (waves at them without looking up): Oh, get a room, you two. I am trying to find a nug on this map.


	64. Chapter 64

Cullen: Cassandra, have you seen the Inquisitor?  
Cassandra: Not today. Bull?  
TIB: Nope. Krem?  
Krem: Not seen her, boss.  
Cullen (walks off): Where can she be?  
.  
.  
.  
Cullen (stops Vivienne): Have you seen the Inquisitor today?  
Vivienne: Are you looking for her too, darling?  
Cullen: Yes, I am.  
Vivienne: Well, if you see her, tell her to meet me at my quarters.  
.  
.  
.  
Cullen: Sera, have you....  
Sera: Nope! Didn't do it.  
Cullen: I'm asking if you've seen the Inquisitor.  
Sera: Cully Wully missing his baby quizzie.  
Cullen: Seriously Sera  
Sera: Always.  
Cullen: Sera....  
Sera: Okay, fine. Not seen her.  
.  
.  
.  
Cullen: Cole.... Where is that boy when you need him?  
.  
.  
.  
Cullen: Blackwall, have you....  
(Opens door to see Blackwall kissing Josephine)  
Cullen (backs out the door and closes it quietly): That will be a 'no'.(says to himself)  
.  
.  
.  
Cullen: Varric, have you seen....  
Varric: She's missing again, huh?  
Cullen: I've been looking for her all morning.  
Varric: She'll turn up when she wants to, usually at dinner time.  
Cole (appears out of no where): I haven't seen her.  
Cullen: Cole!  
Cole: You wanted to ask if I've seen her. I haven't.  
Cullen: You need to stop doing that!  
Cole: Stop having not seen the Inquisitor?  
Cullen: Nevermind. Why do I even bother?  
.  
.  
.  
Cullen: Solas, have you....  
Dorian (from the first floor): He hasn't!  
Solas: I can answer questions myself, Dorian.  
Cullen: Have you....  
Dorian: It's just a waste of time since I've already answered it.  
Solas: I can answer for myself!  
Dorian: Just saying.  
Cullen: So, have you....  
Dorian: You know what you need? A nice blouse for the Inquisitor with exquisite embroidery saying 'If Found, Please Return To The Commander".  
Cullen (face palms)  
Solas: No, Commander Cullen, I'm afraid I've not seen our Inquisitor.  
Dorian: I told you.


	65. Chapter 65

Cullen (looking at the map and smiling to himself)  
Josephine (watches him): That is new.  
Leilana: Yes. The Commander usually frowns at the map, not smiles at it.  
Cullen (blushes): No...I don't always frown.  
Josephine: Is it safe to say our Commander has someone stole his heart?  
Cullen: No... that is not it.... I was just....  
Leilana: That is the smile of someone having a terrible crush. No use hiding.  
Josephine: Is she one of the nobels? There are quite a few wonderful single ladies here these few weeks.  
Leilana: Those ones with style and elegance, yet humble and smart, you mean?  
Josephine: Yes. I always pictured the Commander having a sophisticated and elegant lady by his side.  
Inquisitor (kicks the war room door open and rushes in with her hands full of snacks, small baskets of fruits and an apple in her mouth. Back kicks the door closed)  
Josephine (raises her brows): You stole from the kitchen again.  
Inquisitor (crunching apple as she puts down her loot): Hey! It's not stealing! It's lunch! But still, don't rat on me to the chef. (Smiles) I brought you all something too! (Hands Josephine two cup cakes, Leilana some chocolate and Cullen a small basket of strawberries)   
Inquisitor (to Cullen): Dorian said they are really sweet and I know you like it sweet.  
Cullen (blushes more and rubs his neck furiously while accepting the fruits): Thank...thank you.  
Josephine: Ahhhhhh.....  
Leilana: Elegant and humble, not so much. Has her own style and smarts, certainly.  
(The two ladies giggle while the Commander continues to rub his neck while staring at the strawberries)  
Inquisitor (crunching apple): Did I miss something?


	66. Chapter 66

Inquisitor (shouts from where she is): Commander! A moment of your time!  
Cullen (instructs his troops quickly and jogs over, speaks in a low voice): So, leaving already?  
Inquisitor (also in a low voice): For a week, but I am so going to miss you.  
Cullen: I'll miss you too. (Lowers his tone even more) The things I want to do to you when you get back....  
Inquisitor (whispering): Not before the things I'll be doing to you. Hmmm, I can already think up a few things I am going to do with my....   
(A small group of soldiers walks pass. Both nod when the soldiers salute)  
Inquisitor (continues): Tongue to your naked body.  
Cullen (leans in a bit closer): I doubt you will have the strength to try after....  
(Another small group of soldiers walks pass. Both nod)  
Cullen (continues after they pass): I am done ministering you with my ever so talented hands.  
Inquisitor (smiling seductively): I'd like to see you tr....  
Scout Harding (from behind): You know, you two can just get a room now. We still have time.  
Cullen (almost screams): Harding!!  
Scout Harding: The one and only.  
Inquisitor: How long have you been standing...?  
Scout Harding: Here? I have always stood here. THIS. IS. MY. SPOT.  
Inquisitor (red face): Shit!  
Cullen (even more red faced): I think.... I need to get back to the troops. (walks off quickly, rubbing his neck)  
Inquisitor: What the fuck, Harding! That was so embarrassing!  
Harding: Hey, I was here first. You two tall people just failed to notice me.   
Inquisitor: You could have walked away!  
Harding: And miss the opportunity of a life time hearing Commander Uptight talk dirty? No way. (elbows Inquisitor) He is quite good at it. (giggles)  
Inquisitor: I hate you.  
Harding: Yeah, yeah. Like I have not heard that one before. You sure you don't want a room?  
Inquisitor (walks off quickly)  
Harding (laughs and shouts after her): There's still time!


	67. Chapter 67

Cullen (pushes open Dorian's door): Dorian, your report is a joke! (Sees TIB naked in Dorian's bed) Bull! I...err... (looks away and shields his face with the report) wasn't... expecting that.  
TIB: Hello Commander, Dorian went to get us some wine.  
Cullen: Very well then (still shielding his face) I'll ...leave you two to....  
Inquisitor (walks up to Cullen): Cullen! Looking for Dorian (sees naked TIB) tooo......WOOOAAAH!  
Cullen (shields the Inquisitor's face with the report and pulls her arm to make her leave)  
Inquisitor (swats report away): You are huge!  
TIB: Thank you!  
Sera (comes walking up): Who's hug....WOOOAH!  
Inquisitor: That was what I said!  
Sera: Damn! You've got WAR NUG DICK!  
TIB: Err....Is that even a compliment?  
Sera: MASSIVE JUNK! WOOAAH....  
Cullen (still pulling the Inquisitor away without looking in): Come on love, we should leave them to it.  
Inquisitor (allows Cullen to pull her but does not look away): Seriously, do things go back to their original size after you are done with... (Cullen pulls her harder, makes her swing around and drags her away) What? I'm curious!  
Cullen: Keep walking.  
Sera (still standing at the door, no interest in leaving): I want answers too. Give.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wondering what if the Bull's bed scene happens with Dorian too and wrote this.


	68. Chapter 68

Inquisitor: The rams.  
Dorian: August rams?  
Inquisitor: No. Just rams, rams.  
Dorian: What about quillbacks?  
Inquisitor: Ewww... No.  
Dorian: Halla?  
Inquisitor: Too bony.  
Dorian: Well, bears then.  
Inquisitor: Some do. Storvacker does.  
Dorian: Storvacker can use a bath.  
Inquisitor: I just bathed her yesterday, soap and all. You should see her. She is fluffy. Definitely better than rams.  
Varric: What are you two talking about? And what did you say you did to Storvacker? That poor bear looks like she's got blown by a giant bellow.  
Dorian: She bathed Storvacker.  
Varric (laughs): And she lets you?  
Inquisitor: She knows who's boss. Plus, if she wants to sleep in Josephine's office by the nice fire in her own nice cosy bed, Josephine wants her bathed first. I will brush her out later so she doesn't look like she walked into a static field.  
Dorian: I cannot fandom how you ladies could communicate with her.  
Varric: Josephine could talk the birds out of the tree if she wants to.  
Inquisitor: Some birds have them.  
Varric: What?  
Dorian: Cute butts. We were talking about cute butts.  
Varric: So Storvacker has a cute ass?  
Inquisitor: Very cute one. It jiggles a little when she walks. Very cute.  
Dorian (thoughtfully rubbing his chin): Come to think of it, Varric has a cute butt too.  
Varric: My ass doesn't jiggle!


	69. Chapter 69

Inquisitor (overhears Sera from upstairs as she walks in)  
Sera (upstairs): Piss off.  
(Crows cawing)  
Inquisitor (to Solas): What's going on up there?  
Solas (shrugs in elven)  
(Crows cawing more)  
Sera (upstairs): Go plug your arsehole!  
Inquisitor: Is she up there cursing you?  
Solas (sighs): Her vocabulary never fails in its eloquence.  
Inquisitor: You spoke to her again about 'elveness', didn't you?  
(Crows caws)  
Sera (upstairs): Elfy that, arsebiscuit!"  
Inquisitor: Maybe you should stop pushing her buttons by saying she is an elf and should yada yada elf this and yada yada elf that.  
Solas: She is an elf, Inquisitor. She must see that it is pointless to reject her heritage.  
Inquisitor (loud sigh)  
Dorian (comes down the stairs): There goes my quiet reading time today.  
Inquisitor: Anyone wants me to go up there and stop her? Solas?  
Dorian: She's not cursing out Solas.  
Inquisitor: No?  
Solas: She usually does it to my face if she decides to.  
Inquisitor: True.... What is going on up there?  
Solas: She made friends with some of the nightingale's birds.  
Dorian: More like enemies. They've been cursing at one another up there a while now.  
Inquisitor: Okay.... Should I be concern?  
Solas: That she rather speaks Crow than Elven?


	70. Chapter 70

Inquisitor: Seriously?  
Josephine: Hush!  
Inquisitor: Really?  
Josephine: Stop moving!  
Inquisitor: We have not been moving for hours!  
Josephine: It has been less than an hour, I assure you, Inquisitor.  
Inquisitor (slums shoulders and sighs)  
Josephine: Stop moving!  
Inquisitor: I don't want to! I am tired!  
Josephine: Look at Commander Cullen! You can learn a thing or two from him!  
Cullen (smiles)  
Josephine and Inquisitor (together): Stop moving!  
Cullen and Inquisitor (starts laughing)  
Josephine (big sigh)  
Inquisitor (to Cullen): I'm hungry. You hungry?  
Cullen: When're you never hungry?  
Inquisitor: Hey!  
Josephine: Just go.   
Inquisitor (runs out the door pulling the Commander with her): I heard there's chocolate cake today!  
Cullen: What about....  
Josephine (sighs)  
Leilana: I can always help you get back at her by painting them naked in bed. Wedding portraits are overrated anyways.  
Leilana and Josephine (look at each other for a long moment)  
Josephine (smiles)


	71. Chapter 71

Inquisitor (wide eyes and stunts): Woah, did that just happened.  
Blackwall (stunts): Well, shave my beard and call me Sugar.  
Sera: Deal  
Blackwall: Not you.  
Dorian: That... was unexpected....to say the least.  
Old woman (picks up the goose and checks to see if it is hurt, pets it and walks off): You young people these days, with your fancy knieves and pointy staffs..... (mumbles her disapprovals)  
Inquisitor (watches her walks off, still not believing, opens mouth, points at air, closes mouth, turns around): Did that really just happened?  
Sera: Yap.  
Inquisitor: Did she really killed that demon by throwing her goose at it?  
Sera: Yap.  
Inquisitor: I need the Commander to recruit them. Get me some ink and paper, now!


	72. Chapter 72

Sera (frantically shooting the undead): I am out! I mean, I am out!  
Dorian (busy with his magic): Find something!  
Sera (throws her last dagger at the closest undead): This is stupid! Too many of them! Someone pull some arrows out of them arses!  
Dorian: A little busy here!  
Inquisitor: Shut up and fight!  
Sera: Shite!  
(Something purple flies passed Dorian and hits an undead in the face. Gives Dorian enough time to smite it)  
Dorian (is confused for a second but has no time to figure out why as more undead raises)  
Sera: Eat it! (Another purple thing flies over the Inquisitor and smacks an undead on the head, it falls backward)  
Sera: Ate it!  
Inquisitor (gets rid of that one): What the....  
TIB (a third purple thing flies over his head and hits an undead right in its face): Was that a flying eggplant?  
Sera: Not done yet? (eggplant hits another undead in the face) I give you shut up and fight! Can't forget flying eggplants! (Throws another eggplant to distract a forth undead enough for the Inquisitor to kill it) Redeath by eggplant!  
Dorian (continues his work against the undead): How many have you got left?  
(Eggplant hits an undead behind him)  
TIB: I think there's a whole tree where she is.


	73. Chapter 73

Cullen: Good morning, Inquisitor. I trust you have had a good rest after your trip?  
Inquisitor (hints): Good morning, Commander. I'm afraid the bed is too big for me, really.  
Cullen (oblivious): A bigger space for rest is always good.   
Inquisitor (hints): I don't need that much space in bed.  
Cullen: Me either.  
Inquisitor (persistent): So, what are you doing later?  
Cullen: Nothing much. Why? Do you need something, Inquisitor?  
Inquisitor (chuckles a little too loud): Nothing, just wondering.  
Cullen: Oh, that's good to know. If you need anything, I can get someone to assist you anytime.  
Inquisitor (blinks): No, but... I was...   
Cullen (Shouts at a recruit for holding his sword wrong): Hold that right or you won't see another day in a real fight, young man!   
Inquisitor: You....  
Cullen (Turns back to her) Yes, milady?  
Inquisitor (opens her mouth but nothing comes out, sighs): Never mind.  
.  
.  
.  
(Two days later)

Cullen (to himself suddenly at the war table): I was a fucking idiot!  
Josephine (shocked): What happened?  
Leilana (laughs): To say the least, sometimes.


	74. Chapter 74

Inquisitor: So, Josephine.  
Josephine (not looking up from her work): No, Inquisitor.  
Inquisitor: What the hell! Did you three all band together to say 'No' to me these few days?!  
Josephine: We did.  
Inquisitor: How could you!  
Josephine: We can if you ask ridiculous requests.  
Inquisitor: I have not even ask for anything yet!  
Josephine: So I take it that what you want from me isn't going to sound ridiculous?  
Inquisitor: Of course it isn't ridiculous! I have a legitimate request!  
Josephine: And it is.....?  
Inquisitor: ..........  
.  
.  
.  
(Five minutes later)  
.  
.  
.  
Josephine: Well?  
Inquisitor: One second. I need to think of a way to rephrase what I am going to ask.  
Josephine: I rest my case.


End file.
